I’m not an animal person. I don’t like the way animals look at me or smell. I’m not fond of the energetic dogs that jump and hump or the seductive cats that snake their way around your legs, rubbing their tails all over you. And don’t even get me started on birds, reptiles, rodents or other creatures that pass as pets.

The fur shows up in chip bags and on black leggings. The barking or meowing or squawking keeps me up or wakes me up and then I’m fed up.

I appreciate other people loving their pets. Slobbery-tongued kisses on the mouth, thousands of dollars in vet trips and healthcare, pet shoes and sweaters and backpacks. If people are into that, I’m glad they have animals. And I don’t.

Except I will. We’re getting a dog in two weeks. A female chocolate lab puppy, to be exact. She is adorable and cute — although she will get to be 80 pounds. I’m excited. And why, you ask? Because I have a plan:

– No doggie on the couch or bed
– No chip bags (or other food items) to be kept open when the dog is in the house
– My husband will tend to all of the nightly potty problems (if I have to breastfeed our future baby, he’s taking this)
– She will go running with me
– She will love when I pet her, but not lick my face
– Her bark will be barely audible, like a text message from a phone in the other room. Unless there’s an intruder, and then it will be bloodcurdlingly loud and fierce.

I’m confident that I’ll compromise in my discomfort with dogs and learn to love her. But there’s still one concern: do girl dogs hump legs?